Felons, Skulls, and Gratuitous French
by Katty008
Summary: In which Ellery is seduced, Arsène is sexy, Inspector Queen is driven insane, loyalties are maybe conflicted, French is gratuitous, NYPD is not amused, and New York wants a thief's head on a silver platter. Arsene Lupin/Ellery Queen slash.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Ellery Queen or Arsène Lupin. I just ship them like the world is ending.**

**HAHAHA CRACKSLASH OTP!**

**Ahem. This is a project that I've wanted to read for quite some time, gotten the inkling of writing about two weeks ago, and started about a week ago. Have since been procrastinating on everything not desperately needed in order to write this 15 1/2 page monstrosity. I don't even know why this is my crackslash OTP, I'm not really a shipper, but this pairing just _calls_ to me. And I got to put in references to other works and canon in-jokes all over the place, and treat Arsène like I treat all lovable rogues, which is apparently turn them in Captain Jack Harkness clones. And oh my god I LOVE this fic!**

**Warnings for crackslash OTPing, slight language, anthropomorphizing NYPD and New York, and sexy French that may be bad. And by sexy French I mean both the language and the people.**

**

* * *

**Debauch:

1 a _archaic_ : to make disloyal  
b : to seduce from chastity  
2 a : to lead away from virtue or excellence  
b : to corrupt by intemperance or sensuality

* * *

Felons, Skulls, and Gratuitous French

or The Debauching of Ellery Queen and What Came of It.

**

* * *

**

To celebrate the closure of a long and arduous case, Inspector Richard Queen had suggested that Sergeant Thomas Velie come over to West 87th St. and have a drink. Sergeant Thomas Velie had happily agreed, and so what seemed for the first time in weeks Inspector Richard Queen was entering the apartment that he shared with his son at a relatively decent hour.

Then he heard a noise. "Shhh," he warned Velie, cutting him off mid-sentence. Both listened, very quietly.

Jesus Christ, were those sounds coming from _Ellery's_ room?

"Ellery?" Richard called out hesitantly. "We wrapped up the O'Neal case and I invited Velie over for a drink. I hope you're not... indisposed."

Inspector and sergeant waited quietly for an answer. It wouldn't be the first time Richard had caught Ellery with a girl, though it was the first time Velie had been with him. They waited patiently for Ellery, half-dressed, to sheepishly poke his head around the hall corner and inform the two of them that he'd be a few minutes.

Then a door was thrown open and a man half-dressed and carrying the rest flew out. "_Bonsoir messieurs!_" he greeted in what was undeniably very fast French as he sped past the two policemen and made a hasty exit out the front door. The general impression was that of a tornado.

Inspector Richard Queen and Sergeant Thomas Velie stood in shock for what seemed an eternity.

That was when Ellery staggered around the hall corner, naked as the day he was born. There was a short standoff as all parties involved tried to comprehend what had just happened.

Velie started to slowly put his coat back on. "Perhaps I'll take you up on that offer of drinks some other time," he said in a quiet voice that Inspector Queen had previously been unaware he had.

Richard ignored him. "Ellery, is there something you'd like to say to me?"

Ellery stared into the distance in a lost sort of way, swaying slightly. "Where'd 'e go?" he slurred slightly.

Velie let himself out. Richard walked up to Ellery. "Have you," he started, then sniffed. "You have been drinking."

"Jus' tha one," came the petulant response.

Richard raised an eyebrow, not believing a word, while his mind unwillingly supplied _date rape drug_. Ellery had always managed that seemingly impossible combination of guarded cynicism and innocent naïvety. He decided to investigate more in the morning as he grabbed Ellery's arm and started steering him back into his bedroom. "I'll let you sleep this off, and we can talk tomorrow."

"Yesh Dad."

* * *

Inspector Richard Queen was up bright and early the next morning, feeling awake even though he had worried for some time after he'd put Ellery to bed.

He made coffee, had breakfast, and called the station to tell them that he might be in a little late that morning, hoping it wouldn't be minded considering that he'd just wrapped up a big case. Grace told him that Velie told her that he would probably call with something to that effect, and to not worry about it.

Shortly after he hung up was when Ellery nearly walked into the door frame. "Dad, why am I hung over?" he asked, groggy.

Richard motioned to the other chair. "Sit down." Richard himself got up and poured a second cup of coffee for Ellery. He placed it on the table in front of him. "Here." He watched Ellery take a small sip to check the temperature, find it good, and then take a larger drink. "Ellery, what bar did you go to last night?" he finally asked.

"Don't remember. A bar near here, I guess. I just wanted a drink before I got back to work, and we were unexpectedly out of beer."

"Clearly you got more than a drink," Richard stated, referring to more than just one thing.

"I did just buy one drink Dad, you've got to believe me," Ellery insisted, waving a finger. The finger stopped and he stared at nothing, remembering. "Then this guy sat down next to me, said he'd recognized me from a photo. Wanted to talk about books. I told him I was just in for one drink and that I had to get back to my keyboard. He said it was fine, he just had a few questions and he'd let me go when I was done. And then..." he trailed off, thinking.

"And then?" Richard asked, curiously worried.

"And then I kept drinking, but the glass never emptied," Ellery said slowly. "You know Dad, I think he might have been filling my glass back up whenever I looked away."

Richard sighed internally as a corner of his mouth twitched up. So it was just too much alcohol, nothing more or less. Which... led to another thought. Richard stopped smiling. He realized that he had to do this. "So Ellery, when were you going to tell me you're gay?"

In hindsight, he probably should have waited until Ellery swallowed. Dark liquid spewed across the kitchen table. "_What?_" came the choking exclamation. "I _what?_ Dad, _what_... _what_ are you talking about?" At that point what little coffee remained lodged itself in his throat and Ellery started coughing hoarsely.

Richard waited a few moments for the coughing fit to die down. "Ellery, think."

There was a brief pause, then Richard was treated to a quick look of abject horror on his son's face before said face met the kitchen table with a thud. "Owwww... I can't believe I did that," Ellery told the table. "I can't _believe_ I did that. And Velie was...? Oh god."

"You know, I've had suspicions for a while," Richard remarked conversationally. "None of your girlfriends ever stayed around for any decent length of time after all."

"I was _drunk_."

"_In vino veritas_," Richard said sagely.

"I'm _not_ gay," Ellery insisted stubbornly.

"Do you at least know what the guy's name was?" Richard asked, slightly changing the subject.

Ellery nodded slowly. "Yeah, it was French. Lu... Lu Lu Lu... Lupin. That's it, Arsène Lupin."

It was the Inspector's turn to spray coffee. "_WHAT?_"

And thus began the corruption of the previously pure-as-the-driven-snow Ellery Queen.

* * *

Ellery, after his father had finally left for work, spent the better part of what was left of the morning nursing his hangover. Around lunchtime an email arrived from his father with a picture of Arsène Lupin from when he was arrested attached. This did not make Ellery feel any better, as the picture was undeniably of the man he had met in the bar.

Nikki Porter came in shortly after lunch while Ellery was staring dumbly at a blinking cursor on a screen. "Hello Ellery. Your father called me and told me to come in late today because you'd had a rough night. Did it at least give you some inspiration? Come on, get up, scootch and let me have at that keyboard."

Ellery stared at her as if he'd just met her, then got his brain back on track. "Oh, Nikki. Hi. You know what, I think I need to get out of here. A walk. It's okay, just take the rest of the day off. Yeah."

Nikki frowned at him. "You sure? Is there anything I can do for you? Research, anything?"

Ellery made a shooing motion with his hand. "Yeah, sure. Now skedaddle, I'll see you tomorrow." She turned to go, but then Ellery suddenly stood up. "Wait." He walked over to her and pulled her into a deep kiss. When he pulled back he looked her in the eyes. "See? I'm _not_ gay."

Nikki almost asked, but then she remembered that this was _Ellery_ they were talking about, and asking Ellery to explain some of his weirder notions was like asking a cat why it liked catnip: there was no reason, the cat just _did_, and even if there was a reason the cat couldn't explain it because they didn't speak the same language.

So she left. And Ellery went back to staring at a blinking cursor. Finally he gave it up as a lost cause and got up to go on that walk he said he would take. He grabbed his hat and coat, turned off the lights, and stepped out into New York.

Not very long into his walk, he became aware of something amiss. A figure was following him. Just to test this theory, Ellery took a few nonsensical turns. Once he straightened out his route, the figure was still there. Spotting a bookstore, Ellery ducked in, hoping the figure would follow so that he could get a closer look.

He was out of luck. The figure stayed out in the street, out of Ellery's line of sight. Ellery briefly wondered if he could slip out the back way, then realized that this particular bookstore didn't have a back way, at least not a logical one. And he would never find out precisely _why_ he was being tailed if he lost the person tailing him.

Curiosity winning, he stepped back out into the street. The person who had been tailing him was looking in a front window two stores down. Ellery risked a quick look, and groaned internally. It was hard to tell, but if Ellery was right then he was being tailed by none other than Arsène Lupin. He did _not_ need this.

Ellery continued walking, and out of the corner of his eye he saw Lupin follow. A small smirk settled briefly on Ellery's face. If there was one thing he knew, it was New York. Two could play at this game. As he strolled, he worked out the desired route in his head, then executed it.

And Ellery found himself hidden in a private alleyway as Lupin walked down it, just as he'd planned. Once Lupin was close, Ellery came out of the shadows. "Why are you following me?" he asked, darkly annoyed.

The look that Lupin's face morphed into could only be described as a friendly leer. "Hmm. Maybe I want to."

"You've had your fun, now leave me alone," Ellery insisted, trying to sound more threatening than the contents of the words.

Lupin placed a hand against the wall beside Ellery's head and leaned forward. "But we didn't get to finish what we started."

"I ought to call the police right now. You're a wanted felon," Ellery nearly growled as a warning.

Arsène made a pouty face. "Running to hide behind Daddy? You're a grown boy now, you know what you're doing." That last sentence was whispered to Ellery's neck.

"I hate you," Ellery responded, voice rough.

"I'm working on it, okay? Nobody's perfect." Butterfly kisses made their way down Ellery's neck.

"I really, really hate you."

"Is your apartment safe from Daddy, or should we go find a hotel?"

"Hotel. Definitely hotel."

"I know just the one."

Ellery quickly learned that Arsène did indeed know just the hotel as he was thoroughly debauched, in all senses of the word.

* * *

It was Nikki who first noticed the difference, mainly the increase in how often Ellery told her he didn't need her at the moment. She kept these thoughts to herself however. Then one day she looked up at the apartment as she was leaving and saw Ellery's hand putting that silly skull of his on the windowsill. She frowned, having never seen him do that before. Then she shrugged, dismissing it as merely the skull being in the way of something.

The next three times it happened though, she decided it meant something. Ellery didn't move the skull there when she left at the normal time. She almost stayed behind to watch the apartment, but didn't. If she did Ellery would surely notice her and besides, it wasn't like her boss couldn't have a secret or two.

But never let it be said that Nikki Porter wasn't curious. You could only work for an author-cum-detective for so long before he started to rub off on you. So when Ellery took a break from dictating to make lunch on one of the days that she stayed, Nikki snatched his cellphone from the desk and started thumbing through the contacts.

She found one. And of course she had to ask. "Ellery, who is 'Your French Friend'?" she asked from the kitchen doorway.

Nikki came to the conclusion that something was definitely up when Ellery jumped a mile and nearly dropped the bread. "Huh? Where did that come from?"

Nikki held up the phone. "Someone in your contacts list."

Ellery snatched the phone from her. "What are you doing snooping around in my phone book anyway?" He then looked at the screen. "Oh, he didn't. Yes he did."

"Who is he?" Nikki asked, trying not to sound too persistent.

"A sort-of friend who apparently took my phone while I wasn't looking and put his number in. He should know better than that," Ellery half-mumbled to himself. He then looked back up at Nikki from the phone's screen. "You take the rest of the day off, I've got to deal with this."

"Sort-of friend, what sort of friend?" Nikki asked as she was hustled out of the apartment.

"None of your beeswax, now I've really got to deal with this."

The apartment door shut behind her. Nikki stood there in silence, then realized that this wasn't getting her anywhere. She needed to talk to Inspector Queen.

* * *

Inspector Queen was happy, if a little surprised, to see her. "Shouldn't you be working right now?"

"Ellery's been telling me that he doesn't need me at the moment quite a bit lately," she responded, watching for a reaction. She got none. "Inspector, do you know who Ellery's French friend is?"

_That_ got a reaction. "His _what_?"

"You know, his French friend," Nikki continued casually. "The one that's in his phone under 'Your French Friend'. I asked him about it and he wouldn't tell me anything."

"I don't know anything about that," the Inspector responded gruffly, suddenly closed.

Nikki adopted a disbelieving look. "Yes you do Inspector."

The Inspector fixed Nikki with a glare. "I don't know anything about Ellery having a French _friend_. Neither do you. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to call my son and give him the Withholding Evidence speech."

Nikki picked up the hints that the friend wasn't really a friend, that Ellery was in some serious trouble with his father, and that she wasn't to talk about this to anyone. She nodded and left.

* * *

Ellery had grown near impossible to live with.

Richard's Withholding Evidence speech had had no effect. Ellery insisted that he didn't know how the number got into his phone and that he'd deleted it, and no he didn't remember what it was. And Richard couldn't tell if Ellery was telling the truth or not because Ellery had suddenly taken to locking his phone _and_ keeping it very close to himself.

Nikki had been wise and kept her mouth shut about the whole thing, but she still kept Richard informed of recent changes in Ellery's behavior. So of course he learned about the skull in the window, and realized that it must be some sort of signal. And when he realized that the skull only came out when Richard was working late for some reason or another and Ellery knew, he deduced what kind of signal it must be. He instructed Nikki the next time this happened to hang around and watch the apartment surreptitiously. She did without question. This attempt proved fruitless, and Richard could not help but notice Ellery's foul mood that night that lasted through until morning.

Richard's Suspicious Meter was pinging like a fire alarm, and he couldn't do a damn thing about it. It was driving him mad, and if this continued on much longer he was going to do something rash. And _that_ was the part that was so damn insufferable! He _knew_ that Ellery was sleeping with a _known_ and _wanted_ felon, and Ellery knew that he knew, and so Ellery was being so damn evasive and suspicious about the whole thing that Richard knew even more but he couldn't do a thing about it! It had gotten to the point where every time he saw him Richard wanted to throttle the information out of and some sense into Ellery.

But he couldn't do that, so Richard sat still, bit his tongue, and wondered where the hell he'd gone wrong.

One day his cellphone rang. Richard let a tiny ray of hope penetrate when he saw that the caller was Ellery, perhaps finally having decided to come clean. "Hi Ellery, what's up?" he answered a little hastily.

The voice that responded was dead serious and not Ellery's. "_There's been an attempted murder, an ambulance has already been called and the culprit restrained. Please send someone to pick him up._"

Richard frowned, forgetting for a moment that the line connected was Ellery's. "Why did you call my cellphone about this?"

"_I thought you'd like to know personally_." There was some noise, and then the voice was muffled when it turned away from the speaker. "_Come on, stay with me_."

Something clicked. "It's you, isn't it?" Richard growled, angry.

"_Yes_."

"What are you doing with Ellery's phone?"

"_Calling his father to let him know of an attempt on his life by a disgruntled ex-con_."

Fear, icy cold, settled in Richard's stomach. Fear and rage. "You did this," he accused.

"_I assure you, it wasn't I_."

"Stay away from my son."

"_Would you rather I have let him die?_"

...No, Richard would not rather. But the principle of the thing still stood. "You know what I mean."

"_Send a squad car, please_."

"I'm going to get you, Lupin."

"_Yes, yes. Please hurry_."

* * *

The New York Police Department paid attention to its own. And as such it had noticed the recent rise in tensions between one of its homicide division inspectors and their favorite unofficial sleuth. And since Sergeant Velie was not given to gossip, NYPD as a whole just assumed that things would blow over and this would just be remembered as an unexplained hiccup.

They could not be more wrong. Things came to a head when Ellery was shot at and saved by an unknown intervener.

The news that Ellery had been shot rippled through NYPD like a stone that had been dropped in a lake. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief when the news spread that it was just a graze and that Ellery would be just fine. After all, everyone liked Ellery. He had helped a decent chunk of them out on tough cases.

But regardless of how much they liked him, office gossip was not to be dissuaded. Ellery had been shot by the gun found at the scene. The criminal had also been shot, but not by that gun. The question of the hour quickly became where the second gun had come from, and how it had grown legs and walked away. Ellery himself had not been helpful on this count, insisting that he didn't remember. Not everyone believed him, but they shrugged and went along with it.

But if the supposed memory loss was an attempt to safeguard his virtue, it failed dismally. The memory of the criminal turned out to be much better. The criminal vividly recalled how he had been following Ellery hoping for a chance to kill him, and when Ellery ducked into a private side alley the criminal thought he had his chance. It was much to the criminal's surprise when he found Ellery necking with a man. The man saw the criminal, the criminal quickly pulled out his gun and shot at the two of them, the man pulled out his own gun and shot the criminal, and then the criminal had been vaguely aware of the man restraining him before he blacked out.

As far as the rumor mills were concerned, this was like dangling candy in front of a baby. Debate ranged far and wide on the identity of the mystery man. Everyone had trouble believing that Ellery would consider going out with anyone with a less than stellar history, but at the same time the man had been carrying a gun which could only mean so many things. News of a shouting match in Ellery's hospital room only added fuel to the fire.

Eventually, Velie admitted what had happened that night after the O'Neal case had been wrapped up. Insatiably curious policemen forced him to describe in detail the man who had run out of the apartment like a tornado. It was only a matter of time before someone realized just why the description sounded familiar, and all too soon someone pulled out the file on Arsène Lupin. Both Velie and the criminal gave positive identifications, and all hell broke loose.

Only some very clever words kept Ellery out of a Withholding Evidence charge. No, he did not know that the person he had been seeing was a wanted criminal. (Richard could have mentioned the email, but decided not to. He wasn't going to help Ellery out of the hole he'd dug, but he wasn't going to hand him a shovel either.) No, he did not know how to contact him; the meetings were always set up by Lupin. (Again, Richard didn't mention the phone number or the skull. Nikki wisely kept silent as well.) No, he did not know where Lupin was staying, or anything else that the file on Lupin didn't already say. Yes, if he saw him again he would call Headquarters. Oh and yes, he was gay maybe. He might be able to give a better answer at a later point in time, he wasn't sure.

After a while, NYPD gave in to grim acceptance of the fact that their pet author-cum-detective had been seduced by a petty cat burglar of some renown. That didn't mean they had to like it. On the whole, NYPD was not amused by this shit.

* * *

Ellery shivered slightly as Arsène's finger traced the scar that ran up his left arm. "I hear," Arsène said slowly, voice deep, "That some people in the police have been giving you a hard time."

Ellery craned his neck down to kiss the hand that the finger belonged to. "Were you expecting any different?"

Arsène's fingers lightly ran down Ellery's bare chest, then started dancing circles around the newer mark on his side. "To be fair, I wasn't expecting this." The circles turned into a single heart, before the hand came to rest as a warm comfort.

Ellery snuggled into Arsène's lithe thief's body. "Funny," he responded to the heart, "I wouldn't have expected a burglar to be a romantic at heart."

"_Oui, mais un Fran__çais?_" Arsène responded, voice sultry.

"_Un Français oui_," Ellery acquiesced.

"_La langue de l'amour_." Arsène planted butterfly kisses across Ellery's shoulder blades. He seemed to sense Ellery open his mouth to that and spoke again. "_Ne gâche pas l'ambiance, mon reine. Je t'aime, c'est tout ce qui compte_."

"The thing is," Ellery started after a while, "I'm still not sure why I'm doing this."

"_Tu gâche l'ambiance_," Arsène warned.

"I'm _not_ gay, it's... just you. I don't know why, it just is. And I know deep down that one day, probably soon, you're just going to up and leave without a word, leaving me to pick up the pieces of a broken heart and a ruined reputation. And yet I'm still here lying next to you and I _don't know why_."

"_Tu as gaché l'ambiance_." Arsène shifted to prop his head up on the palm of his hand, and Ellery rolled over to face him. "This has really been bothering you, hasn't it?"

Ellery propped his own head up in a mirror image. "You heard rightly that the police are giving me a hard time. But it's not just about you. It's like they don't _trust_ me anymore, and I suppose they have good reason not to. I used to be the go-to guy for tough cases. Now I'm untouchable, a last resort. And Dad... well, he's barely talking to me now. Instead he beats his own brains out and comes home late and haggard every day. And I can't stand to keep seeing him like this. I wouldn't mind the rest of them, mostly, but him too, feeling like he can't trust me even with something as serious as murder? I don't know how I'm going to go on like this much longer, even though I know too that the damage is already done and won't easily be fixed."

Arsène was quiet. "Would you rather I got up – right now – and just left? Never crossed your threshold again?"

Ellery let himself fall slowly back to the pillow. "No. The damage is already done, after all. Your presence reassures me that it was at least for a reason, temporary as it'll be."

Arsène moved closer, wrapping his arms around Ellery. He rolled the two of them so that he was splayed on top of Ellery, and kissed him soundly. "What – are you – going – to do – about it?" he asked between kisses.

"I don't know," Ellery admitted softly. "I suppose I could always turn you in."

Arsène paused in his ministrations. "Would you do that?" he asked, quiet.

"Even if I wanted to, I don't think I _could_," Ellery said, almost sorrowfully. "I've never met anyone like you before. You were _there_, and suddenly I _needed_ you. I don't even know if I love you. How could I know, I don't know anything about you. I know _of_ you, but I don't know _you_. It's almost like you've got me under a spell."

"_C'est romantique_," Arsène said with conviction.

"_Est-ce?_" Ellery asked with a decidedly mournful tone.

* * *

Arsène couldn't find it in himself to stay much longer after that. Ellery's roller coaster of emotions would not lift, no matter how hard he tried. He felt guilty as he shuffled down the street away from the West 87th Street apartment, realizing just how much of a bind he had put his lover in. Ellery was right, Arsène was going to have to leave eventually, he could not stay in New York doing next to nothing indefinitely. Not only would his funds run out, but Ganimard would only stay in the dark as to his whereabouts for so long. And Ganimard, not knowing Ellery Queen, would not have the compunctions that those of New York do. And Arsène Lupin knew that there would be only himself to blame.

Slowly, Arsène realized what must be done. If it worked, then he would be dancing an even wobblier tightrope than before. If it didn't, then at least he tried.

Inspector Queen came into his office from his lunch break to find a small, plain envelope addressed to him propped against his computer monitor. He scowled at it, the decidedly French _Inspecteur_ leaving no question as to the sender. He wondered for a moment if he should call anyone in, then remembered that a thief as smooth as Arsène Lupin would not do anything silly like leave fingerprints. Of course they already had his fingerprints on file, but it was the thought that counts. He picked the note up and, upon discovering it unopened and untampered, his scowl deepened as he briefly pondered just how it had gotten to his desk. Having nothing to lose at this point that he hadn't already lost, he opened it.

The contents were as follows:

_To Inspector Richard Queen, as I believe this concerns him:_

_ I, Arsène Lupin, a notorious burglar of some renown, do hereby swear that I shall commit no crimes, nor anything that could be feasibly argued as a crime, parking violations notwithstanding, within the jurisdiction of the New York Police Department and the surrounding area for as long as the period of time I hold within my possession the heart of Ellery Queen plus the length of one year in order to allow time for remaining feelings to dissipate._

_ I am informing you of this in order for you to understand the true lack of conflict in all things seemingly conflicting. It was never my wish nor intention to cause any conflict between persons and organizations, and I did not previously realize just how much it appeared that I did. Please take my word as true, and I hope that this comes across as the proper first step to rectify the situation._

_ Thank you._

At first Inspector Queen was furious that Lupin would find the gall to write such a fancy-worded load of drivel. But his anger slowly died away as he thought over the second paragraph. Yes, he had been very distant to Ellery lately, but... damn it, it was for good reason! The phrase was 'the apple of his eye', and the apple had gone rotten. That former paragon of virtue and justice had nearly overnight turned into a lying, sneaking walking crime accessory! And, well... damn it, but Richard couldn't help but feel that it was his own personal failing. That somewhere, somehow, he had done something wrong and that had driven Ellery to that... thief.

Richard leaned back in his chair, thinking. And if it was something he had done in the first place, what the hell kind of damage was he doing now? The letter had said the right _first_ step for a reason, he realized. Lupin had true control only over his own actions, regardless of how it seemed at times. He could only get the ball rolling.

Richard crumpled the letter into a ball and shoved it into his pocket, vowing to destroy it as soon as he could. With a start he realized that that was destroying evidence, and grouchily cursed his son's confusing nature and whims, though not with a large amount of anger.

When he got home that day, he could hear Ellery clacking away through the open study door. The clacking paused briefly after the door shut behind him, then resumed. Richard toed off his boots, hung up his coat, and walked over to stand in the study doorway.

Ellery seemed to sense his presence without even looking up. "You're home early," he commented.

"I'm not and you know it."

Ellery's fingers stilled. "You have something to talk about with me."

"You got that right, son." Richard moved into the study and perched on the edge of the desk. Ellery's face showed a small sign of slight surprise at his actions, but he otherwise did not react. "Ellery, I've been a right ass to you lately. Everyone has, but I'm the only one who seems to have noticed it. I'm sorry."

Ellery's fingers nonchalantly pushed ctrl-s to save the document, but Richard knew that it was only an act. "Well, you had your reasons," he replied.

"And they were damn poor ones. I cut you out for associating with Lupin, and I shouldn't have."

Ellery sighed, finally truly responding. "They were damn good ones. You couldn't know when there'd suddenly be a conflict and I'd stop being reliable. Hell, _I_ couldn't know when I'd stop being reliable. It's for the best that I just withdraw completely."

"Even so, that's no excuse for my other behavior. I've ignored you, avoided you, everything short of shouting at you and kicking you out. Even if I cut you out of investigations there was no reason whatsoever to cut you out like that. And the thing is, I've been doing some research. There is absolutely no basis for cutting you out of murder investigations. And as that man Ganimard once said, 'No one can ever point at a man and say for sure, 'That is Arsène Lupin.' But I often find myself pointing at a crime scene and saying, because I simply _know_, 'Arsène Lupin has done that.''"

"I am not Ganimard, and neither are you," Ellery admitted. "But you still had perfectly reasonable reasons. You're a member of the police, and here I am cavorting with a known criminal." Ellery chuckled, and Richard realized with a start that it had been the first time he'd heard Ellery laugh in a while. "Must have driven you round the bend, now that I think about it."

Richard shrugged. "A little." Then he grinned slightly. "Well, more than a little. But that's not the point. The point is that you've long since been free to live your life as you choose, and I shouldn't be able to give a rat's ass about things such as this. Well I can, I just have to keep quiet about it. Ellery, you're all I have and I guess I'm just afraid of you going in so far you'll drown, not realizing that all this time I've been helping to hold you under. I'm sorry."

Ellery took a deep breath, eyes ceasing in their roving to settle on Richard. "Apology accepted. But that doesn't change anything. I still can't-"

He was cut off by the ringing of Richard's cellphone. Richard answered it quickly. "Hello... Yeah Velie?" Ellery realized it was a work call, and shifted his attention back to his soon-to-be-dead heroine. The Inspector finished up the call and turned back to Ellery. "So son: how do you feel about a nice juicy murder?"

"Dad, you know I can't."

"A safe full of valuables broken into, nothing taken, and a Jack of Spades ripped in half. You coming?"

Ellery fixed his father with a look. "Don't tempt me."

Richard was not to be deterred. "What if I told you that I had – in writing – a statement that your French friend currently considers New York and the surrounding area off-limits?"

A wide smile broke Ellery's face clean in half. "What are we waiting for?"

* * *

The murder was by far not the most complicated murder out there. The murderer had just opened the safe when they were caught by the victim, who they then killed before fleeing the scene, making it look like a simple break-in. However, it turned out that there was a second, hidden safe in the house containing documents, and the culprit was actually after some material he was being blackmailed with. He saw the safe that contained the valuables, assumed it was the safe with the papers, and pried it open. The Jack of Spades ripped in half indicated that the murderer was Lance Jackson, the Jackson part being obvious and Lancelot being a nickname for the Jack of Spades in particular. The business associate was rounded up and justice prevailed.

Ellery's brain was humming happily at the warm-up as he let himself into the apartment, the Inspector staying at the precinct to finalize some things. Thinking that he could perhaps get a few more pages out before he went to bed, he sat down in front of his computer and woke it up. He logged on, but then was surprised to discover a pop-up sitting in the middle of the screen. A note left while he was gone. The time-stamp was not too long after the apartment had been vacated in the direction of a dead body, and the contents of the message left were simple.

_The bar, 7 o'clock, Sat._

Ellery raised an eyebrow before getting rid of the pop-up. He was certainly curious as to where this was going. He could guess who had left it, though he hadn't the faintest idea why.

And so, seven o'clock the next Saturday found Ellery seated at a secluded table in the bar it had all begun in, contemplating just what was about to happen. And, quite punctually, a man slipped into the seat opposite him. A man familiar but not, in all the ways a man could be, and Ellery realized that Ganimard had been wrong. There was now at least one person in the world who could point at a man and say for sure, 'That is Arsène Lupin.'

Arsène tipped his hat. "Timothy Jones. Nice to meet you," he introduced in a classic Brooklyn drawl. Ellery had to refrain from sniggering. "I suppose you're wondering why I called you out here." Ellery nodded, a sign for Arsène to go on. "Well, I thought this would be a nice getting-to-know-you date. You were complaining about such a thing earlier, were you not?"

"You've taken care of everything. So sweet. Thank you." Ellery leaned forward and kissed Arsène lightly.

"You sure you want to be doing that?" Arsène whispered in his ear after Ellery pulled back only slightly. "People will talk."

"People do little else once you take sleep out of the equation."

"May I remind you that we're here for the former, not the latter."

Ellery pulled back the rest of the way, a mischievous smirk dancing on his face. "Of course. Do go on."

Arsène leaned back and spread his arms slightly. "Go on with what? I've told you why we're here. Now let's enjoy ourselves."

Ellery took the hint. "Okay then. Tell me about yourself."

"Myself could fill books. I'll need something a bit more specific."

"Any limitations? Don't forget who I am now."

"No limitations. I trust you as much as one such as I could trust anyone."

"Okay then. What is the most ridiculous thing you've ever done?" Arsène raised a disbelieving eyebrow. "Right, stupid question. Um... politics. Ever been involved in politics?"

Arsène grinned nostalgically at memories. "I once nearly had control over the German government."

All right, Ellery was impressed. "Oh? Do tell."

* * *

And so it began, their regular dates all over town, Arsène playing someone new nearly every time and Ellery always recognizing him. And it was pleasant, this getting-to-know-each-other lark. Ellery found that he was quite fond of Arsène Lupin the person, and not just Arsène Lupin the body, and the book ideas that came many and varied were not to be discounted either. Even if the lust for his body some day subsided, Ellery knew that he would still count Arsène a friend.

But the tentative peace would not last. New York was not blind, nor was it stupid as some would have you believe. It observed and deduced, rather like a detective, or more a supercomputer, a hive mind comparing notes and coming up with the answer. And the answer it came up with was that Ellery Queen had suddenly and inexplicably turned gay and was now working his way through many different men, none of whom seemed to be known by anyone. And people continued to talk, as people do indeed do little else. Most people just wondered what had changed lately, but a few clever ones looked further than that and realized that Ellery Queen had been strangely absent from police investigations lately, up until, you guessed it, he started playing gay like it was going out of style. These clever people deduced that Ellery had just been hiding this whole time and had come out of the closet to his father, who had then had some trouble coming to terms with the whole thing but eventually accepted it. They spread the word of their deduction and it was accepted by the general public as completely logical.

Then some loudmouth at NYPD had to think that Inspector Queen not being accepting at first was a jab at a perfectly decent officer, and put the record straight to the person they were talking to. And from there it spread like wildfire, the real reason that Ellery Queen had been temporarily cut out of investigations being that he was sleeping with Arsène Lupin, that internationally infamed thief of incredible valuables and performer of impossible crimes.

It was very obvious what would probably happen next. As it was, the masses of the human race both enjoyed and abhorred their celebrities. They worshiped them, threw them into the light and followed their every action. And then when the celebrity made a mistake, they staggered a little, the human race was there to push them down the rest of the way, insult them, and fling excrement while laughing at the person they formerly adored. After all, they did little else. So one fully expected tomatoes to be thrown whilst the white knight galloped headlong towards the tower of darkness, the booing and the hatred to begin, because humans loved a good scandal.

Which was why what happened next surprised everyone who was actually paying attention. It is incredibly rare that a hero is so beloved that those doing the beloving are willing to ignore the hero's faults, and has happened so few times throughout history that no one has ever been able to safely say just what causes it. Perhaps it was because Ellery Queen had helped so many people, or perhaps it was because parts of NYPD seemed to have forgiven him at least a little. Perhaps it was because they liked his books, or that he was an honestly likable person who formerly hadn't had a scratch on his record. The possibilities and combinations thereof roamed far and wide, going so far as one of the TV stations recently having run a crime movie marathon. Whatever happened, because a thing such as public opinion was so unpredictable, no one could possibly have predicted what came next.

Ellery Queen was painted as the victim. Public opinion shaped him into a naïve innocent, someone who had had the wool pulled over his eyes by a master con artist. It was not his fault that he was for all accounts and purposes dating a criminal mastermind, just as it was not the fault of someone who stayed with an abusive significant other. Yes, people wondered why the abusee stayed with the abuser, but that didn't stop the sympathetic anger from coming. Because New York loved Ellery Queen, New York wondered why Ellery Queen stayed with Arsène Lupin even though he clearly knew who Arsène Lupin was, and so New York felt sympathy for the author and anger for the thief.

And, because New York worried for Ellery Queen, New York wondered why and how NYPD hadn't taken Lupin in yet. Why didn't they tail Ellery on one of his dates, and nab him then? Why didn't they watch Ellery's apartment, and nab him then? Why didn't they force Ellery to tell them where he could be found, and nab him then?

New York didn't know. New York wanted answers. New York wanted Arsène Lupin's head on a silver platter. And most of all, New York was tired of this bullshit.

* * *

Locked, "Employees Only" areas were no match for Arsène Lupin. And locked, "Employees Only" areas were generally close to empty because they were not for the general public. And so, locked, "Employees Only" areas were very good for a secluded conversation. Ellery and Arsène were in a hidden spot in a secluded spot in an off-limits part of JFK International Airport. Arsène's flight was leaving in a couple hours, and Ellery was not letting him go without saying goodbye.

"Anyone I should be looking out for? Other than Ganimard?" Ellery was asking.

"Let's see... there's an Inspector Zenigata in Japan, I usually manage to piss him off when I go there. And... ooh, you'd better stay away from London for a while at least. Just be careful, okay?"

Ellery kissed him, softly. "I will. You be careful too. Will I be seeing you again?"

"We'll see."

"_Je t'aime_."

"_Je sais, mon reine_."

* * *

This was the tale that Arsène Lupin relayed to me as he stood in my library one night, a glass of fine wine in his hand, that almost tragic romance of two people who were not meant to be. I admit that I was puzzled at first when my friend dropped off the face of the earth, and at least a little worried. But when he told me why such lack of news was necessary, I could not help but be amazed! To think that all this time he had been conducting an affair with a celebrated mystery novelist across the Atlantic, dancing a tightrope so thin that it would have been incredibly easy to fall boggles the mind! To my knowledge it had not been the first time he had traversed such ground, but to me this seemed his most risky endeavor yet!

And at the end I had but one question to ask of Arsène Lupin, and that was why he had decided upon such a course of action in the first place as that would lead an angry mob, betorched and bepitchforked, to all but drive him out of New York. And he swirled the wine in his glass gently and said, almost sadly, that he didn't know. "I was in New York looking for something worthy of my time, and one night I was in that bar mulling over my options when all of a sudden I saw him. And all thoughts of crime ran fleeing from my mind. I don't know what came over me. It was almost automatic, getting him drunk like that. And before I knew it I was going back for more, again and again. I wanted to make him happy, so I did all these silly things that I don't think I would have done otherwise, dancing men like puppets on a string and almost falling into a panic when the strings tangled beyond my control. Even carrying a gun when rumor came to me that someone was going to try and kill him; I don't remember thinking once how diseased that piece of metal was, just that I needed to keep him safe."

Arsène Lupin walked slowly to the window and looked out into the darkness. He took a sip. "It was a tumultuous time. I think I miss him, and would be glad if our paths ever crossed again. Outside of work of course. Perhaps even inside, though I don't know how we would manage that. As it was, my time in New York was not entirely crime-free. I could not help but to take a small memento of our time together," he finished, a small smile with a hint of feralness making its way onto his face. And so, in the end, I found myself wishing along with Arsène that the two would meet again. After all, they seemed to have been good for each other.

* * *

Ellery was staring despondently at nothing, flopped in his desk chair in a puddle. Inspector Queen observed this when he came home, and came to the obvious conclusion. "He's gone, isn't he?"

"Yep."

Privately, Richard thought that it was only a matter of time. This may be a civilized era, but people could still be driven out of town. "Drinks?" he suggested, hoping to cheer Ellery up.

Ellery shook his head. "Not that. Knew this would come. Was waiting for it, almost."

"Then what's wrong?"

Ellery abruptly sat up, half-furious, half-loving. "That stupid thief stole my skull!"

Richard refrained from chuckling. He had to admit that, even though he had never met the thief in person, Arsène Lupin had almost started to grow on him.

* * *

**SKULL! And quoting Star Wars in French I think. And Zenigata and Sherlock and I think this might turn into a 'verse where modern AUs of detectives run around being whores with each other. Because the world needs more Captain Jacking and I _swear_ that makes sense in my head. Honestly, I started writing a jealous Sherlock being angry at Arsène before I started this. Reviews please!**


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